Not in the best of spirits....

Hi everyone....

Figured I'd blog about how I am currently feeling...I would really just like to crawl in a hole and die...Really, it's not worth it anymore. I won't be surprised if my husband ends up leaving me in the next year or so...There's only so much one can take. I just cant deal with my disorder, and I can't deal with anyone else. I just wish I was dead.

Today's theme: Stress Management

Hi guys!

Sorry that I haven't posted in so long! I think I am going to have to make this a habit/regular thing, because I have found that it does help :P Hard to get the gumption sometimes though to write :S So...here are some of the things I'm starting to come to grips with, about myself. Even though it had been mentioned years ago by someone, it never clicked with me until now.....I have severe boundary issues-as in, I don't really have any clearcut boundaries at all! Shocker, eh? :P Boundaries seem to be pretty close to the core of what my central issue under everything is. At the moment, I'm reading a book called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud, and Dr. John Townsend. Hopefully I will be able to grasp a greater understanding of how to form my own boundaries and be comfortable living within them, and not intruding on others. As well, another issue of mine is stress management. I don't really posess any concrete stress management skills, which is something I'm working on. Right now I'm taking a free stress management course (five days but still free) online. As well, I'm actually attending Anger Management courses in a nearby city once a week. Hopefully by the end of all of this I'll have an arsenal of things to help me cope with my disorder. The anger management has been extremely helpful. Sure, it's a bit of a hit to the ego, but I'd rather deal with that than be angry for the rest of my life. Well, I will update more often....that I PROMISE you :D I think this is one outlet for both anger and stress, and therefore a good thing....so I will try to post how I feel, but still be constructive. Hopefully, others will find this useful as well.

A little bit more about myself

Hey guys! Sorry that I haven't posted for a couple days...I actually just finished up exams for the school year on Saturday, so I was spending a little time getting myself back on track :D It's definitely a relief to be finished for the summer....but waiting for grades is the worst part! Oh well :D So....today I figured I would tell you a little more about my background. I realized that I didn't really say much in the introductory posts, so here goes. I was born into a very abusive family. I have a sneaking suspicion that my mother was borderline as well, but it's never been diagnosed. My mother was and is still an alcoholic to this day. She was also very promiscuous when we were younger. It was a different guy almost every day of the week. There was a background of sexual abuse in the family, not only by the guys that my mother brought into the house, but by an uncle as well. Thankfully, from what I can remember, I was not subject to it, but my two older sisters were, which is sometimes hard to swallow because I wish I could have protected them. There was physical abuse, as well as verbal abuse tossed around in the home as well. Children's Aid came and put us in foster homes just before I turned 8, and I was in foster care up until I turned 18. CAS helped me beyond that, so that I could finish my college diploma which was a huge help. Thankfully, I stayed with a single foster parent for a good eight years before I moved on to other places. That gave me the stability and the teaching I needed, to progress as I have. When I look back, I honestly don't know how I managed to get to this point in my life in one piece. I was a cutter back when I was a teenager, but never anything serious....it was just enough to get my focus off of my problems for a while. Last year I had popped about 8 tylenol on 2 separate occasions (just after I was diagnosed) because I just felt like I couldn't cope, and felt like such a tremendous burden. I saw what it was doing to my husband and it hurt me tremendously. My husband is such a kind and gentle man, and the stress of everything turned him into a bit of a different person at that point. Stress will do that to anyone. After he had to call 911 the second time I popped pills, it then dawned on me that popping pills may not be the best thing to help me cope. I haven't popped pills in over a year which is pretty amazing. I've made amazing progress compared to where I was last year. It's actually surprising how far I've come. I still have my issues though....the borderline thinking is still very much there, and I want to learn how to change my thinking to correct thinking, as opposed to faulty thinking. All a result of the abuse I suffered as a child. I'll be going to anger management classes for 8 weeks starting at the beginning of May, and I'm hoping to make another counselling appointment today. I need the support system....otherwise everything goes wonky. It may take a few years, but I'm going to beat this disorder. I may still have it, but I'm going to have a good life, and I'm not going to let it bring me down. I DESERVE to have a good life.

Good day so far...

Good morning everyone!!! It's just after 6am and I actually feel awake?!! I find that strange, but good. The last couple of days have been pretty good...I'm actually really surprised. They've been great! Yesterday I started going to the gym in town. It's tiny and has a few machines to work out on, and the membership only costs 10 dollars a month. It was kinda fun, even though I couldn't figure out how to use half of the machines :P I'll probably go again this morning, and also try to get some studying done before work. I have a full evening of studying ahead after I'm finished work, as well as a full morning tomorrow of studying, before my Med Mic exam. I'm looking forward to being finished for the summer. Also, through EAP services, I've contacted a counsellor....turns out she teaches at the University, in the Psych Nursing program. It's amazing what a small world this is! She was super nice, and we had a very good chat. I got a little bit of studying done yesterday, and I washed and cleaned out the car. It looks very good. I'm definitely ready to start the day today, as I feel I'm off on the right track. I'll update with you guys later!

What a Beautiful Day!

Wow....temperatures like this are almost unheard of in Manitoba for the month of April. It was 23 gorgeous degrees today!!!! Such a beautiful day. As you can probably tell, I am in a much better mood today, than yesterday. I attribute it to cutting down the dose of Paxil I currently take. Who knew a quarter of a pill more could make that much of a difference! Work went relatively well today. My supervisor is currently on vacation, so needless to say, it was quite the busy day! Aside from a couple of DUH moments, it was a good day. I worked very hard....and it WAS acknowledged today by a couple of the families of the residents....so that was quite nice. I did get home a little late today....and Chris got worried. Its kinda cute....he called my work to see if I had left or not. As much as I would like to convince myself at times that he doesnt care, I am quite wrong. He DOES care for me....even when I feel like he doesnt. We did a little bit of yardwork today....picking up garbage, and moving the branches to the back lane for pick up tomorrow. We finished cutting down the three trees on south side of the house. Next thing on the list is to fill the trunks with round up...and let it work. We are hoping to build a deck this next year or so, so we are trying to get that side of the house cleaned up. Well....I am going to go spend some time with my husband. Talk to you guys later.

Moody and Depressed

Wow...it's amazing the difference a day makes. Went from feeling not too bad on Friday, to feeling incredibly depressed. It's no wonder that alot of people forego antidepressants, because of the side effects when adjusting to them. I felt fine, and somewhat sane before I started taking them....and now I'm feeling just plain psychotic. It's so frustrating.... It's like the meds have made my moods worse. Definitely considering switching to another med. Also, my husband is sick this morning....his IBS is acting up, so I'm SOL for his support. I feel like he doesn't care. I feel bitter because I need someone to talk to, and even when I wasn't well, when he first got sick, I was still there to try and help him. Sure maybe I'm over-reacting but who knows....and I guess for that matter....who really cares? It is what it is.

Things I'm Currently Struggling With

I'm sure that alot of the things that I am currently struggling with are common to many individuals, not only with BPD but other disorders as well. Here are some of the things I am currently struggling with:

Sense of self - I do have a general idea of who I am, but I can't seem to keep a stable hold on career ambitions

Lack of self esteem/self worth - I place alot of self worth into the job that I do....and am concerned that if I lose this particular job, my self esteem will take a massive blow, and I may not be able to recover from it.

Mood stability - I have to work incredibly hard to stabilize my moods, and sometimes that's difficult when one is sick or exhausted.

Interactions with Coworkers - I am constantly reevaluating every single interaction....wondering whether my coworkers are going to find something wrong, to take to our manager.

Intense Fear of Failure - I get the feeling that if I "screw things up" this time, that that will be the end of the road....that it will be the end of my hopes and dreams for what I want to do with my life.

These are just a few of the things I'm struggling with. It's really strange that one can't understand the errors in their thinking until it's put down on paper. Just from writing this particular entry, I realize how negative some of the thoughts are. It's like I'm expecting failure. Just because I have a mental illness does not make me any less of a person than anyone else out there. I've just got a different set of struggles I guess. Also, I've identified another falacy in my thinking. My self esteem/self worth does not, or at least should not come from my job/profession. It should come from within me, because I am a worthy and loveable person. Sure not all the time, but who is? I really do need to get out of this negative rut, and get into a more positive mindset. I know I may not have the energy or the mindset to manage it at the moment, but I know if I call out to God, He does hear me in my time of need. The Lord will give me His peace because I have asked for it. I will make a constant effort to change....I deserve to have a better life, and I deserve to be a better person. I'm going to do this for myself first and foremost, as well as my family.

An Introductory Post

So, I'm guessing you want to know a little about me? Well, for starters....my name is Lynn and I'm 25 years of age! I've been married for just over 2 years to probably the most supportive man I've ever met. Also, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder about a year and a half ago, and have been struggling to get a handle on exactly what it is I'm dealing with! My hopes with this blog, are that I will not only be able to help myself, but others that are dealing with this disorder as well. For that matter, if I can help anyone that is dealing with a mental illness, then that's ok too.