Things I'm Currently Struggling With

I'm sure that alot of the things that I am currently struggling with are common to many individuals, not only with BPD but other disorders as well. Here are some of the things I am currently struggling with:

Sense of self - I do have a general idea of who I am, but I can't seem to keep a stable hold on career ambitions

Lack of self esteem/self worth - I place alot of self worth into the job that I do....and am concerned that if I lose this particular job, my self esteem will take a massive blow, and I may not be able to recover from it.

Mood stability - I have to work incredibly hard to stabilize my moods, and sometimes that's difficult when one is sick or exhausted.

Interactions with Coworkers - I am constantly reevaluating every single interaction....wondering whether my coworkers are going to find something wrong, to take to our manager.

Intense Fear of Failure - I get the feeling that if I "screw things up" this time, that that will be the end of the road....that it will be the end of my hopes and dreams for what I want to do with my life.

These are just a few of the things I'm struggling with. It's really strange that one can't understand the errors in their thinking until it's put down on paper. Just from writing this particular entry, I realize how negative some of the thoughts are. It's like I'm expecting failure. Just because I have a mental illness does not make me any less of a person than anyone else out there. I've just got a different set of struggles I guess. Also, I've identified another falacy in my thinking. My self esteem/self worth does not, or at least should not come from my job/profession. It should come from within me, because I am a worthy and loveable person. Sure not all the time, but who is? I really do need to get out of this negative rut, and get into a more positive mindset. I know I may not have the energy or the mindset to manage it at the moment, but I know if I call out to God, He does hear me in my time of need. The Lord will give me His peace because I have asked for it. I will make a constant effort to change....I deserve to have a better life, and I deserve to be a better person. I'm going to do this for myself first and foremost, as well as my family.